May 2010
1 post
January 2010
1 post
I am so much more resilient than I ever imagined.
Or maybe I’m just better at pretending
or ignoring
or moving on
or forgiving
than I ever knew possible.
Either way,
I am surprised at my SELF.
December 2009
1 post
November 2009
6 posts
“We must be our own before we can be another’s.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson (via fuckyeahhappy)
she has been gone for barely 24 hours
I don’t ever want this to be my reality
i shall believe
Come to me now And lay your hands over me Even if it’s a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe I’m broken in two And I know you’re on to me That I only come home When I’m so all alone But I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say...
I used to think that me being a hopeless romantic was endearing…now it just feels stupid.
October 2009
6 posts
“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting...”
– Shana Ab (via quotewhore) (via jenfaulkner)
Today I remembered what it was like to be me again.
Just me.
Myself.
Without an “us” attached, but with just the “us” in the background.
It made me appreciate the “us”.
Made me appreciate coming home…even if it is not as together as I thought it was.
Today I saw myself.
The tree behind our old house has gotten so big, and I want to tell you about it. On the way here I saw truck towing a race car that was a giant red high heel shoe… and I want to tell you about it. She has all of her silly halloween decorations out. I want to laugh about with you. I am lost. And I want to tell you about it. The fountain churns in the pond behind me. ...
September 2009
32 posts
Writing on a legal pad is like a blanket for my...
I painted a picture of picket fences and SUV’s.
There was nothing wrong with the picture,
but nothing right with it either.
I want to live outside of what I thought life should be.
I am not my Mother’s daughter anymore.
Floored
It happened again
I saw it coming this time
you would think that would lessen the blow
but it didn’t
it was worse
I knew it all
knew the lies
knew the reality
knew the fear
and it still blind sighted me
like a sucker punch to the soul
I am painfully lonely.
Visiting Hours
And if I hold her tight enough,
then maybe
just maybe
I won’t feel my own guilt, or fear, or helplessness.
If I wrap myself around her
maybe she will absorb my insecurities like a sponge in soapy water.
It’s embarrassing how heavy this love is,
I feel like people can see it on me like a tumor.
Like a special on the The Learning Chanel…
“woman with enormous,...
i don’t want to lay awake
i want to sleep soundly
on a bed of ignorant bliss and good memories
like everyone else
Last Night
Her skin feels like a rose petal.
She is smooth and soft and satiny clean,
and I try to breath her in and swallow her whole.
Her long legs stretch to the foot board,
her hands press firmly against the dark wood of the head board.
I want to trace the flickering candle lite across her body,
want to wrap myself around her,
want to make her forget about
anything
anyone
anyplace but this now...
Any Given September
It smells like Fall.
The trees crunch with crisp leaves,
the high school marching band booms in the distance,
and I want to be 10 again.
I want to ride bikes and drink cider.
I want to camp out in the back yard with my brother to protect me.
I want to watch the old black and white TV on a long extension cord
while sitting around a bonfire.
I can taste my mom’s cooking.
I can see her...
I am a
hopeless
hapless
helpless
sap of a romantic mess
i am going to squeeze the serenity out of me
like juice in a lemon
scatterhearted:
32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco.
(via...
I am uneasy.
Pick it Up
I have opened up something that I cannot close
the Pandoras box of my brain
the need to purge my insides
out onto the blank white
to hear the clicking of the keys
and the scratching of the pen
these are flood gates of hurt
I had lodged these words under the smoke and mirrors
I had turned my cheek
and ignored my gut
and bought into my own personal view of something that is not really here
Weeding the Day
I will grip it with a firm hand,
and yank it out by the roots.
I will rub the soil between my fingers,
and smell the cold dirt on my hands.
I will let the thorns prick me.
I will watch my blood run from hand to elbow.
I will stand in the cold fall air and breath it in,
long deep breaths that hit me in the center of my gut.
I will break it into pieces so I can swallow it.
I will choke it...
a pill for this
There was a brief period of time when I slept.
Solid sleep that made my body heavy and my mind light.
When I closed my eyes I saw nothing behind my lids,
heard nothing, felt nothing.
When her quiet heavy breathing lulled me away from the dark thoughts in my brain.
When her body was comforting and peaceful,
and not something that I was trying to cling to.
Now when the clock gleams 3am I can...
So I have a new pen pal,
he is in some serious emotional agony. He writes to me like a poem assigned to a person. It’s refreshing. We have been purging our anguish back and forth on each other. He lost a Father to death, I lost my family as a result of their own choice to turn their backs on me. I told him that I envy the loss that he feels. Told him to drink up the bond that is still there…because it is. I...
Crying all day/night is not a good look for my...
Emotional Reality
If I had it I would use it:
confidence
security
trust
faith
There is no such thing as always.
I am full of doubt and destruction.
I open my mouth and a jumbled mess of words dribbles out.
So THIS is how humiliation feels.
It’s fine. Just leave me here to bask in my doubt.
To marinate in my insecurity and keep myself awake at night.
No need to burden YOUR SELF with my silly silly...
August 2009
22 posts
Now is NOT the time for a song about a brown eyed...
why don’t you just go ahead and hallow me out while you’re at it